Sugar Sugar

Like many other Apprentice-watchers I am somewhat mystified by the continued presence of Michael Sophocles. But on a recent visit to the BBC I found the following transcript from the final show, which I think reveals everything.


INT. BOARDROOM – DAY.

Sir Alan, Nick and Margaret are on one side of the table. Michael Sophocles and [NAME DELETED] are on the other side.

SIR ALAN

Michael – why should I hire you?


SOPHOCLES
Sir Alan, I’m a good Jewish boy.


SIR ALAN

Are you?!


SOPHOCLES

Well, half-Jewish. I never knew my gentile father though. My mother said that he was driven to suicide in the 1980s when his range of cheap personal computers was ruthlessly undercut by Amstrad. Amstrads had crappy 3” disk drives for fuck’s sake, yet everyone bought them instead. You killed my father. Well now you’re “fired”.

Sophocles points a gun at Sir Alan.

Margaret looks shocked.

SIR ALAN

You’re not half-Jewish.


SOPHOCLES

I am! I am! I’m half-Jewish!


SIR ALAN

You’re not half-Jewish. You’re 100% Jewish.


SOPHOCLES

You killed my father!


SIR ALAN

No Michael. I am your father.

Margaret looks shocked.

SIR ALAN

That’s right – you’re sired. Sired by me.


SOPHOCLES

COME ON!

Sophocles bangs the table then vaults over it and embraces Sir Alan.

Margaret looks shocked.

[NAME DELETED]

Um, is it even worth mentioning that I won this task? No? OK, I'll just fire myself. Frances - could you call me a cab please?

From Today's Metro

Song Prequels #2

Girlfriend With a Head Injury

Annie, Sit Down, I’ve Got Something to Tell You

23:18 to Georgia

Where’s the Radio, Kenneth?

The Penultimate Countdown

Grandma’s Identical Twin’s Condition Worsens

Papa’s Lost His Bag

I’d Do Anything for Love

If You Tolerate This Your Children Have One More Chance

You Can Hurry Sex

(Like these? Try these and these.)

The Tipping Point

I make the two hundred and thirty-seventh trip to load up the car, then take a look around the hotel room that has been home for the last four days and nights and our first family holiday. There is food sprayed on the wall, vomit stains on the bedspread and excrement smeared on the towels. It looks like Mötley Crüe have stayed here circa 1987, only if instead of being addicted to class A drugs they were hooked on Hipp organic baby food.

I realise that I have entered the phase in my life where it is necessary to leave tips everywhere we go.

Stages of Parenthood #1: Clearing Up Baby Sick from a Sofa

1. Completely strip covers from all cushions, scatter cushions and main part of sofa and wash them all, because if you just wash the cushion that he was sick on then that cushion will fade slightly and not match the rest of the sofa.

2. Just wash the cushion that he was sick on. You no longer care about the sofa matching.

3. Give the cushion a wipe and turn it over, hoping not to find anything on the other side.

Internet Now Available Mail Order in Cassette Form, 48k At a Time

(Also available on b3ta.)

Things Abandoned on the Pavement Within 100 Yards of My Home That I Have Taken a Photograph of #6

There's a story here, isn't there? Either:

1. Elderly relative now too ill/dead to walk at all, even with Zimmer frame. Unneeded possessions left out on street. (I will keep a lookout for feeding tubes/iron lungs as the weeks progress.)

2. Elderly relative can miraculously walk unaided again. Unneeded possessions left out on street. Though in this case or the previous one, surely anyone who needs a Zimmer frame and would find this one useful is unlikely to be strolling breezily past, and more likely to be lying in a heap somewhere else. The chances of someone needing a Zimmer frame right here, right now are quite small.

3. Tree suffering from Dutch Elm disease.