Friday, November 17, 2006

Bathmatwatch: Day 18

Rain-sodden. More leaves. Twig still there.

Sherlock Holmes said that “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Since there is no natural possible reason for the bath mat to have remained on the street for 18 days, we must investigate the remaining, improbable theories:

1. The bath mat is covering a hole in the pavement. This hole is a tunnel that leads inside the head of Des O'Connor. After 15 minutes inside Des's head you are ejected on to the side of the North Circular. You will then spend the rest of the day humming The Skye Boat Song and thinking up chat-up lines that might work on Carol Vorderman.

2. It is a magic flying bath mat, that when stood on naked whisks you to a magical land where chocolate grows on trees and nobody has heard of Chantelle. This will be the main line of my defence at my indecent exposure trial. I will be calling you all as character witnesses, so please prepare yourselves with statements of my sanity.

3. Like The Day of the Triffids, this bath mat is a diversion to distract our attention. Then, when the eyes of the world are on this blog, they will rise up against us. According to my own survey, bath mats have already infiltrated 70% of our bathrooms. The bathroom is the most logical place for them to launch their attack, as this is where we are naked and defenceless, often with shampoo in our eyes. You must either (a) never shower or bathe again, or (b) never read this blog again.

I think that it is elementary which you should do.