Monday, December 04, 2006

Bathmatwatch™: Day 35

As you may have read in the business sections of the Sunday papers, Bathmatwatch, like MySpace and YouTube before it, has been taken over by a massive media conglomeration. There was a frenzied bidding war between News International, Google and Yahoo, each keen to expand their portfolio of Web 2.0 sites, but the outright winner was JonnyB’s Private Secret Diary.

Evil media magnate JonnyB, who allows the Chinese to censor his blog, and who smashed the comedy sidekicks’ union by bringing in Short Tony as scab labour, has insisted that this blog start turning a profit, so to this end I have introduced a number of revenue-generating promotions that will happily sit alongside the innocent daily picture of an abandoned bath mat. Honestly, you will barely notice the difference.

Text alerts! For just £1.40, get a daily text alert for a whole week about how the bath mat is sent straight to your mobile, BEFORE the rest of the world gets the blog posting. Invaluable if you are on holiday, or just away from your computer.

Picture alerts! For just £3.50, get the daily picture of the bath mat sent straight to your mobile for a whole week! Again, this will be BEFORE the rest of the world gets the blog posting. Imagine the envy on your friends’ faces when you tell them that you know where the Honda Civic is!

And remember that every donation made before midday on 8th December gets entered into the prize draw where you could win your very own Scrappy-Loo. People really are giving money, so don’t delay – it could be you! And the more you give, the greater your chance of winning!

To use these services, just send your UK mobile phone number in along with your PayPal donation. You will get seven daily text messages or picture messages, though I’m not responsible for network delays or incompatibilities, or the bath mat disappearing, or the fact that I might be away at Christmas. I promise never to give the number to anyone else. Nor will I use the number for making dirty phone calls to you – anyone who says that I will is lying.