Friday, December 22, 2006

Shower Scene

My girlfriend and I are staying with friends who have two young children. Because of this they do not have a lock on their bathroom door. Because of this I am always slightly nervous when I visit them, and when possible I like to let people know that I am going to use the bathroom. I do this quite casually and naturally (I am a gifted conversationalist), but I leave everyone in no doubt that that is where I am going and that under no circumstances should anyone even come near the bathroom door.

This, however, is the first time that we have stayed overnight with them, which necessitates a full undress and shower in the morning. I had thought that I had made it reasonably clear that that was what I was going to do – not only did I say, “I'll just go and have a shower then”, but I had a flipping towel over my shoulder! It was therefore with some surprise that I look through the completely transparent shower curtain to see a small boy telling me that it is time for breakfast.

I have three simultaneous thoughts:

– It would be wrong to make a big deal out of this. The human body is a natural thing, and if I shriek and cover myself up he will have a view that willies are dirty and shameful and will grow up to be the kind of person that doesn't like people seeing his willy and gets into a complete state when a small child accidentally sees his willy.

– I don't want him to see my willy! They are dirty and shameful!

– This could go horribly, horribly wrong and I could spend the next 25 years picking glass out of my food. What if he mixes up “I saw Salvadore's willy” and “Salvadore showed me his willy”? It's a subtle grammatical difference that I think might be lost on a 5-year-old, but not on 12 of my peers.

Maybe it would be better to get my side of the story in first. But even a man of my conversational talents might find it difficult to segue from “Tea or coffee, Salvadore?” to “I wasn't masturbating!”

Instead, I casually, but strategically move the loofah and say that I'll be down in a minute. And hope that they at least spell my name correctly on the register.