Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Rolls Choice

The votes are in and counted in the great Should Toilet Paper Hang Against the Wall Or Away from It? debate. 141 of you voted, and I love the fact that there was not one single person who voted "Don't know". On other, less weighty issues of the day, such as who should be Prime Minister, whether we should pull out of Iraq, or if nuclear power could combat global warming, there is always a sizeable minority who have no opinion. Not about this though, and I am glad that I am asking the kind of big questions that people really want answered.

Unfortunately, your answers were mainly incorrect. 28 of you (20%) gave the right answer, but a whopping 113 of you (80%) didn't and thought that the toilet paper should hang away from the wall. James Surowiecki was wrong; there is no wisdom in crowds: 80% of you are idiots.

Come the revolution you will be first against the wall.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Roll With It

My girlfriend looks at me grimly. "We're never going to agree about this, are we?" she says. I fear that she is right. Every time I change the toilet roll, I orientate it so that the paper hangs against the wall. Every time she changes the toilet roll, she orientates it so that the paper hangs away from the wall. Which is annoying as I then have to change it. This has been going on ever since she moved in three years ago. Instead of saying something straight away during her induction period (like with the tea towels), I have just let it slide, resorting to the passive-aggressive method of quietly correcting it every time and hoping that she gets the message. And they say that men aren't good at communicating.

I explain that my method is neater, more aesthetically pleasing and just plain right. She disagrees. I quote from the episode of The Simpsons when Homer and Marge leave the kids in Abe's care. Child protection agents scrutinise the ensuing chaos and amongst their damning indictments is "Toilet paper hung in improper overhand fashion". My girlfriend still disagrees.

I go on and on and on about it, and finally she concedes that it might be OK to do it my way. I am shocked with her for changing her view. Say what you like about the Nazis, but at least they stuck to what they believed in. At no point did Magda Goebbels ever say "Maybe the Allies have a point". No, she killed her six children then committed suicide rather than live in a world without concentration camps.

But in the interests of domestic harmony I am going to listen to the wisdom of crowds and ask you to complete this survey. Then we will know who is right and who will have to crack open the cyanide tablets.

Which is the correct way for toilet paper to hang?

View Results
Free poll from Free Website Polls

Friday, October 05, 2007

Name That Baby - The Results Are In

I have had loads of great suggestions as to what to call my baby on this blog. Here are just a few highlights:

Matt - This was actually in the final five on our real life shortlist. It wasn't till it kept turning up here (sometimes with one 't' or preceded by Bart) that I realised the subliminal link that there must have been in my head to everyone's favourite bathroom accessory. But I think that it might be disresepectful to the bath mat and also unfair to my son to try to relive those exciting, emotional days through such an obvious substitute, particularly when the grief is still so raw.

Zeus - This was such a great suggestion that I almost put it on to our real life shortlist. It is a brilliant name - the king of the gods, and it begins with 'Z', which is cool. If my name began with 'Z' I bet that my life would have been much more exciting, like Zorro's, and much less inclined towards a career in IT. I blame my parents.

Gene - This led me to think that if I were a geneticist I could call him XY. I used to work in IT, so I thought about v1.0. Then I thought that as I'm now a writer I could call him Working Title. But that might get confusing if I ever have a script in development with the film company of the same name - I might write something here like "Working Title did a poo on my script", and you wouldn't know whether I was referring to an innocent accident by a toddler, or a meeting with Messrs Bevan and Fellner that probably meant that they weren't going to greenlight anything just yet.

I was even offered sponsorship money if I always referred to him here by a certain brand name. My response to this ugly commercialisation? "Double it and I'll put it on the birth certificate as well."

But I think that for now I will just call him my baby.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Name That Baby

The parenting thing is going OK so far. The answer to "Either he has wet himself or I have" turned out to be that he had, which means that I am not yet incontinent, and as a bonus our new sofa's covers are, as advertised, removable and washable. As were my trousers.

But our baby does not yet have a name. Both in real life and also, more importantly, for the purposes of this blog. And this is where you come in, dear readers. For I am running a competition where you have the chance to name my baby (for the purposes of this blog, not in real life - I am not a total idiot). Just leave your suggestions in the comments box. And please note that, unlike Blue Peter, I am not bound by any Ofcom guidelines and can choose any name that I want - we won't be immediately having another baby that we then have to call Cookie.