Monday, April 30, 2007

Pole to Pole

The three Poles stand in a line in my bathroom. By this I do not mean that I am installing telegraph wires; I mean that there are three men from Poland standing next to each other. I was just making a pun on their nationality. Bob Monkhouse used to claim that he could make a pun on any nationality.

“Japanese?” someone not at all planted in the audience would shout out.

“Give a chap-an-easy one”, Bob would reply.

OK, so the Pole/pole one is not quite up there with Bob’s best, but no Japanese builders contacted us, so I have to work with what I’m given. The EU might like to consider pun-ability when it next votes on accepting new members. I could do something great with Turkey. If I were Hungary I would be Russian to get some. If Hungary were not already members.

The bathroom is tiny, and with me in there as well there is not a lot of room. It would have been better if they were just poles. If poles could tile and drink coffee with four sugars in.

ME: We were thinking of putting a concealed cistern in here.

POLE 1: Kjkćź kw łńkwzwv z ńżćczś.

(Note that this is probably not actual Polish – I am just pointing out the funny way that foreigners all speak.)

POLE 2: Vzwjkćtczćź kw łńkjlw v zńżś.

POLE 1: That is OK.

ME: And, er, perhaps put the shower here?

POLE 1: Wjkćtczć kjwl zńkpżś wćźt.

POLE 2: Złńkwzwv kz ńżćczś zjlk.

POLE 1: That is OK.

ME: Tile along this bit.

POLE 1: Zńkćź kwś łzjkwv z ńżćwcz.

POLE 2: Vkzjk wś łwvćcz zjk żćw.

POLE 1: That is OK.

ME: And perhaps a cupboard here?

POLE 1: Zkżćwv kz ńżćcz wz kwżćc.

POLE 2: Zkżćwv kz ńżćcz wz kwżćc?

POLE 1: Vzź kw łńkjlw wjkćtczć jkćź kw kwzwv złń.

POLE 2: Wjltnzć kjwl zńkpżś jkćtcz?

POLE 1: Wćwv żćkz ńż wz kw kwzw.

POLE 2: Zwjkćtcz jltnzć kjwl ńżśkp jkćtcz zćt kwzw zwjkćtczćź kw łńkjlw v zńżś kwś łzjkwv z ńżćwcz ćczćtcz jkćź kw kwzwv złńćcwjltnzć kwcz kw łńkwzwv z ńżćczś.

POLE 1: That is OK.

What was wrong with my choice of cupboard location? Does Pole 1 actually speak English, or does he just know the phrase “That is OK”? More to the point, where does Pole 3 fit in?

Just to reassure myself that there can be no actual problem with hiring builders on the basis of price alone I watch the episode of Fawlty Towers where O’Reilly’s men block off the wrong door, put a door in in the wrong place, then use a wooden lintel on a supporting wall.

Yes, it will all be fine. At least they were not Israeli. To make a pun about them is-really impossible.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Monday, April 23, 2007

VTT #15

Back soon...

Friday, April 20, 2007

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Monday, April 16, 2007

Friday, April 13, 2007

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Monday, April 02, 2007