Wednesday, September 26, 2007

New Parents' Handbook #2


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I AM A FATHER!!!!!11!!1!!!!!11!!

I am a father!!!! It is a boy!!! He is lovely!!!! All other babies are inferior!!! Mine is best!!!!! I have a million photos of him asleep!!!! He held my finger!!!!! It was amazing!!!!!

Friday, September 14, 2007

The Waiting Game

It is still dinner à deux chez Vincent. The baby had better come soon as I am fast running out of ways to describe its non-arrival.

I liked the story of Mackenzie Crook having to have Gareth's hairstyle in all his wedding photos as they were still filming The Office at the time. I went to the barber's this afternoon. Ever the attentive father-to-be I told my girlfriend that I had my mobile with me, and to ring me if anything happened. Though I did then add that I would probably wait until he finished my haircut before running home, as I wouldn't want to be in all the baby's first photos looking like Phil Oakey.

But nothing happened and I am now evenly shorn.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Guess What?

If you guessed that we have had a baby, then you still have one more guess. Because we haven't. Not yet.

To be fair, September 11th maybe wouldn't be the nicest birthday to have. All your life people would be referring in hushed tones to "The events of September 11th", and you would be thinking "Maybe they are planning a surprise birthday party for me, and another treat, because they are referring to events in the plural", but it would always end in disappointment. On the upside, it would make it very easy for your poor, tired parents to remember your birthday. Instead of viewing Osama bin Laden's annual late summer video threat with horror or revulsion, they would think "9/11? That reminds us - we must go and buy some Lego". Though there is always the chance that one of them might be an idiot and buy you presents on 9th November instead.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Two's Company

Still no baby.

I am beginning to wonder whether my girlfriend is really pregnant at all, or whether she is faking the symptoms in order to get maternity pay and back rubs.

We went to see Atonement last night, which I thought was very good, despite having already read the book. My two criticisms would be (a) they couldn't spell ukulele in the credits, and (b) it wasn't a ukulele anyway. All the multiple viewpoints, non-linearity and unreliable narrator stuff worked fine.

But neither the film, with its tragic romantic narrative and harrowing scenes of war, nor my expert analysis afterwards, with its focus mainly on spelling mistakes and the works of George Formby, brought on labour.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

All Quiet on the Baby Front

Still nothing.

It is like the Phoney War (the bit of the second world war between the invasion of Poland and the invasion of the Low Countries and France, for anyone educated after 1986). We know that a dictator is about to march (well, OK, be carried) into our home and change our lives forever (how long can I keep this analogy going?), but at the moment we're just testing our early warning systems (baby monitor), stocking up with basic foodstuffs (Tesco Finest ready meals) and negotiating lend-lease agreements with a major neutral power (borrowing a travel cot from a friend).

Though I'm still waiting for my government-issue gas mask.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Just the Two of Us

No baby yet.

I am, however, pleased to have calculated that due to a combination of a surprise win by Aston Villa, the Euro 2008 qualifiers fixtures list, and our local hospital's policy on inducing overdue mothers, our baby will almost certainly be born with Liverpool topping the football tables for the first time in years.

If it is very late and a long labour then I will be looking for a win in the lunchtime game at Portsmouth on the 15th to make sure (should be OK on goal difference). Anything less and I will be telling my girlfriend to push it out before 4:45. I am sure that me switching over from whale music to Sport on 5 will help.